Too Much Forged in Fire?

  • You might be watching too much Forged in Fire if:

  • Your kids are making a fortune selling snow cones, as there is a constant supply of chopped ice.

  • You can't watch TV because the satellite dish is in the back yard filled with coal.

  • You walk into the kitchen to see why Sunday dinner is late, to find a $35 roast beast hanging from the ceiling, your wife wielding a knife in each hand, watching a youtube clip of Doug Marcaida.

  • The beater car in your neighbor's backyard seems to be walking away piece by piece - first the leaf springs, then the axle …

  • Neighborhood cats are dragging cleanly sliced fish heads to someplace where the two of them can be alone.

  • Most of the trees in the backyard have been reduced to branchless poles, creating the look of an abandoned settlement.

  • Instead of calming ocean sounds to sleep by, your white noise generator produces a numbing hammer to anvil clanking, backed up by 3-part neighing & whinnying.

  • You've begun wearing a kilt/toolbelt combo around the house, with remotes, beer and snacks in the pockets.

  • You no longer shake hands or wave, but instead greet and acknowledge people with palms together and a nod. Namaste.

  • You start looking for a new house … near the junkyard.

  • At bedtime you stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell, "5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Put your toys down children - play time is over. Return to the bathroom to brush your teeth and get ready for bed. You will have ten minutes to complete this task, starting . . . . . . . . . now!."

  • You can't do laundry because the washing machine is filled with quench oil.

  • The local FD has you on speed dial.

  • While working on a presentation with your team at work, you acknowledge each good idea by saying, "That will keel".

All Hail the Chancellor

A new amendment to the Constitution was proposed by the Republican Congress this week. If ratified by at least three fourths of the states, a new government position - Chancellor - would be created, effectively forming a fourth branch of government.

As proposed, the Chancellor will serve as the head of the government while the president will continue to serve as the head of state and represent the country. The arrangement is comparable to the UK, where the prime minister is the Chancellor-equivalent and the Queen is the president-equivalent. The measure's opponents note that the true political power lies with the head of government.

According to the joint resolution prepared by Congress, the first Chancellor shall be appointed by the President to aide in a smooth transition of power. It is suspected that the current Executive Officer's plan, embraced by much of the population, is to appoint himself as Chancellor, do away with politics altogether and make America a powerful, unified one-party state. "Hey, he's the head of a country, and he's the strong head -- he speaks and his people sit up at attention. I want my people to do the same", Trump remarked, referring to his apparent hero, communist North Korea's ruthless, human-rights violating leader!

Plans to order a rapid expansion of the National Guard in size and activity and to create a new security force composed entirely of GOP-faithful dedicated to stamping out whatever opposition to his party might arise, were leaked by reliable and understandably anonymous sources from deep within the White House.

A forward-looking supplemental document, The Enabling Act, that would in effect give the Chancellor the power to enact laws without the involvement of Congress, is apparently also being prepared. A rider on this bill would require all elected officials, civil servants and government employees - of both genders - to wear their hair in a prescribed style described as, " …  a flourish. On top, a masterpiece whose guiding principal is a heroic desire to completely conceal the forehead, flowing forward until it does a fine, serpentine about-face, then retreating along the sides as wispy locks sweep over the tops of the ears like rows of cirrus clouds."

Also this week, in an overnight transition that many are reckoning akin to Santa visiting every little boy and girl in a single magical night, Executive Hair Salons have appeared in every major airport in the country. The modernistic cosmetology shops offer mani-peds and a singular hair style described as a "carefully crafted helmet of fine gossamer, woven into a precise immovable template."

In an effort to provide travelers with all necessary accommodations, each Salon is conveniently adjoined to an outlet of the Stormy Seas Gentlemen's Clubs. In keeping with the nautical theme, massage and treatment options include the 'rock your boat package', the 'gentle waves package', the 'land ho package', the 'lighthouse goes dark package' and the premier option, the 'stormy seas package'. Between each salon and club exists a Monument Gift Shop offering Skipper's hats, fine cigars, chocolates and assorted quantities of Mr. Magoo Condoms - so easy to use you can do it with your eyes closed!

Challengers of the new amendment maintain that it is both unConstitutional and in direct opposition to the intent of our Founding Fathers, insisting it would effectively dissolve our republic. Others complain that Mr. Magoo Condoms may be offensive to the blind.

A graduate of Portland State University, Steve (Reeno) Kloser is the author of Beginning Band - A Guide to Success and Let's Make Music - Classroom Recorder Course. He is also an accomplished teacher, conductor and composer, having penned numerous pieces including La Vida and Fly With Me.

Teacher, cook, Packers fan and proud American, Reeno's usually slanted outlook often presents an unlikely perspective on issues old and new.

Reeno currently lives in Portland, OR.

Follow Reeno on Twitter

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