The president today announced that championship winning sports teams will no longer be invited to the White House to celebrate. Instead, each year he will take time out of his schedule to meet with the commissioner of each major sports league to discuss the state of their sport and its role in a changing America.
Roger Goodell of the NFL happened to be spending the night at the White House when the announcement was made, and the series of talks he and the President were having continued over tea and toast the next morning. According to an intercepted wireless transmission sent from a miniscule but powerful transmitter surreptitiously placed within a whole wheat bagel, the discussion primarily revolved around adding a prayer to the pregame festivities at each game. Trump reportedly justified his request by telling Goodell, "Well, football is God's game! We don't want Him sitting on the bench, do we?"
Other items discussed included also adding the Pledge of Allegiance to the pregame activities, limiting season ticket sales to US citizens, ejecting fans who do not show proper respect for our flag, anthem or country and "keeping the name" - presumably in reference to the D.C. football squad. No formal agreement was made, but when the two men shook hands at meeting's end both seemed content, and as Goodell turned to exit, he was the unwitting recipient of an encouraging presidential pat on the butt.
Baseball's Rob Manfred was visibly excited as he initially shook hands with the President. A wireless transmission sent from a miniscule but powerful transmitter surreptitiously placed within an onion bagel revealed that when Manfred tried to broach the subject of loosening relations with Cuba to facilitate giving good Latin ball players a chance to play in the majors, Trump responded, "They're commies, you know. Wouldn't we be better off with American ball players? Baseball is God's game and America's pastime! We really ought to add a prayer before each game. We don't want to leave Him in the dugout, do we?"
Adam Silver tried to explain the NBA's policy regarding the anthem several times, but Trump seemed to be distracted by the commissioner's ears and the two men did not connect well in their brief meeting over coffee and pastry. A wireless transmission sent from a miniscule but powerful transmitter surreptitiously placed within a pumpernickel bagel and overheard by a busboy wearing invisible earbuds indicated that the Executive Officer introduced the idea of including a prayer in the pregame entertainment at NBA games, noting that most of the area announcers seem to have good voices for praying, and reminding Silver that "basketball is God's game! We don't want Him riding the pine, do we?"
The conversation between the President and Gary Bettman of the NHL began by Trump demanding that the Canadian national anthem not be played before games. "This is an American sport played in American cities by American athletes and the only anthem I want to hear is The Star Spaniel Banner, or whatever it's called." As the flabbergasted Bettman listened, he took a bite of a perfectly toasted plain bagel, and broke a tooth trying to chew a miniscule but powerful transmitter that had been surreptitiously placed within it. As he gathered his things to head to the dentist he could hear the nation's leader crying out, "How about a pregame prayer? You know, hockey is God's game! We don't want to leave Him in the penalty box, do we?"
Joey Panadero, a member of the White House kitchen staff, was arrested and taken to federal prison for attempting to compromise national security by surreptitiously placing miniscule but powerful transmitters into White House bagels. It was later discovered that he had been coerced to do so by a fringe media outlet that had posed as law enforcement officers. Mr. Panadero was then pardoned by Mr. Trump, and subsequently hired by the President as a special bagel consultant.
The big day finally arrived when Trump was to meet with one of his true heroes - the NCAA. The pastry-free meeting was brief, the President's prepared remarks concise and complimentary and recorded for posterity on a secret digital pocket bagel audio recording device. "This is the best business model I have ever seen", he began. "Your product is your labor force; your labor force is basically free. You have a product that is in high demand, one that you can sell for millions upon millions without having to pay anything for that product - you can't do better than that!"
"Don't let the complainer-heads on TV change your mind or your approach. You have every right to get personally and institutionally rich off the blood, toil, tears, concussions, broken bones, steroid use and sweat of these young men. You have every right to sell jerseys and other fanatic-type items with players' names and identifying numbers imprinted upon them and cash in on their fame and skill without giving them even a lousy nickel. This is what America is all about: the few making a fortune off the labor of the oppressed! That is what made America great - as great as it will be again! And by the way, let's talk about adding a prayer to the pregame activities - right before the anthem. You know, college football is God's game …"
School is for Winning
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