Press Release (RP)

Sochi, Krasnodar Krai (RP) - The now-disbanded "Voting Integrity Commission" launched by the Trump administration uncovered no evidence to support claims of major voter fraud, according to an analysis of administration documents released Friday. Once translated into English, the documents revealed that the highly-touted team, led by Russian mathematician Gregor Yukuvlevich Perlman, discussed the possibilities for over an hour at each of the bimonthly meetings that ran from January through March in the picturesque resort town overlooking the Black Sea.

The conclusion that no major fraud occurred seems to have left a void of information about whether minor voter fraud occurred, what the difference between major and minor voter fraud might be and how well major and minor translate into Russian. When questioned about this discrepancy the translator had to excuse herself for personal reasons, and Perlman - whose ability to speak English tends to fluctuate - was unable to effectively communicate well enough to finish the press conference.

Washington, DC (RP) - A "Federal Commission on School Safety" has been launched by the Trump administration in response to the increasing number of tragedies involving guns, students and teachers. Department of Education Chief Betsy DeVos announced that the newly-formed commission will not look at the role of guns in school violence, disregarding the fact that so far in 2018, at the rate of one incident per week, school shootings have caused the death of at least thirty-seven students and adults, as well as at least thirty-one serious injuries.

The Education Honcho also is seeking to eliminate 29 discretionary programs and declares that "our commitment to spending taxpayer dollars wisely and efficiently by consolidating and eliminating duplicative and ineffective federal programs that are better handled at the state or local level." In other words, 'Instead of working to make education more effective by consolidating and standardizing and regulating our nation's education at the national level, I choose to continue to cop out, put my head in the sand, be a traitor to the very concept of education and admit that dutifully doing the job I am being paid to do is way beyond me or anyone on my team.'

Menlo Park, CA (RP) - Mark Zuckerberg was admitted into Stanford Hospital today suffering from stress-induced heart palpitations after an historic and impassioned plea from President Obama has reduced traffic on facebook by more than half! In his twenty-minute address on national TV, President Obama masterfully explained how the Russians were able to affect our last election and how they might be planning to again interfere in what may be the most important election in our nation's history.

Our forty-fourth president also detailed how Zuckerberg and others have amassed fortunes by duping America and the world into being his product, for which he pays nothing, while selling them and selling to them. Obama's pleas to not log into facebook at least until after the election have hit home with a large percentage of the electorate, leaving facebook personnel reeling, as this company built on little more than air and an idea possesses nothing tangible upon which to stand.

NYC, NY (RP) - Roger Goodell delivered his "State of the League" address yesterday, emphasizing the strength and health of the NFL. The bewildered Commissioner focused on player safety, claiming "We can remove the violence from an inherently violent game without adversely affecting the product", comparing the negligibly noticeable difference between drinking a non-alcoholic beer and imbibing in your favorite draught. This, about a game in which one of the primary goals is to hurl a participant to the ground against their will.

Goodell also defended his continued attempts to place a team in London in hope of securing his legacy as the Commissioner that made football a global sport, despite the clear indications that Europe loves soccer, few NFL players want to live in England, the 'N' in 'NFL' stands for 'National' or that the sport -while still popular - is clearly in decline, making further expansion a fool's game.

Washington, DC (RP) - Protests unlike any we have seen since the days of Nixon hiding in his office and peering at America's youth through parted curtains continue in DC as thousands of demonstrators chanted "Real News. Fake President." The group repeated the mantra for close to twelve non-stop hours today before finally breaking for the evening.

An eerie feeling of a creepy Halloween tinted the day, as trump masks, memes, altered photos and a wave of orange wigs dotted and decorated the landscape. It was reported that upon viewing the uprising the president's initial response was to claim a win for himself, seeing it as a sign that America unmistakably loves him and his hair! Accordingly, plans to construct a one-panel White House Walk of Fame with a new bigger star commemorating trump's achievements during and before his time in the White House were quickly drawn and funded; construction has begun.



Being Mean to Kids!

Who are these people? These old, white, prejudiced people that are running the country? These clones of nineteenth-century southern politicians, all looking more like wax figures than people, collectively emulating a parody of a White House staff and cabinet that is sadly and scarily real?

Any school teacher, any parent, anyone that has ever paid attention to someone other than themselves has learned that if frustration brings you to a point where spanking, yelling, hitting or maliciousness seems like a viable option, it is time to step away - rational thought has left the building. If the only thing these Washington automatons might have going for them is experience, we lose again, as this simple lesson has somehow eluded them. Now, in addition to racism, ignorance and lies we are going to add mean. And not just any mean - mean to kids.

Immigration is a touchy issue with a million layers. Everyone has an opinion and that's how it is supposed to be! The drain on our economy due to non-citizens living in the U.S. is real, but so are the jobs many of them fill, the taxes many of them pay and the lives they are hoping to live. We'll never be able to accurately quantify the pluses and minuses, and in the end the real issue is racism, as the bigots among us use discussions about the economy as a diversion. One thing is for certain: there were no Cherokee with the surname 'Trump'. WE ARE ALL IMMIGRANTS!

That doesn't mean that we are dutybound to accept every soul into our country that wants to enter, but it does mean that we at least need to remember that we are all human beings, no better or worse than the Gray Panthers that are running things or their immigrant ancestors. It means that we need to find humane ways to deal with this human issue.

Our history tells us we are not humane. We have tricked, stolen from and all but eradicated our Natives, enslaved Africans, sent American citizens to internment camps during WWII and detained, tortured and abused we'll never know how many innocent people at Guantanamo Bay. And now, in order to deter emigrants, the government plans to separate children from their parents and send the kids to military bases. No wonder the rest of the world hates us. Right now I hate us.

It is just mean. It is the bully beating the snot out of the little kid because he can; because there are no grown-ups around. It is the 300 pound defensive lineman pounding the quarterback play after play because the Referee believes in 'old fashioned football' and won't throw a flag. It is racist politicians saying, "I never liked you and now that I can do something about it I am going to crush you". Just mean for the sake of being mean. Grown men picking on little kids. Grown men so caught up in their hate for people of a certain skin tone that they are willing to put their own humanity aside and go after kids. Kids! Sweet little kids that have no choice but to go where their parents go, and will have no choice about being ripped from them. Kids! Just like the grandchildren the old, white, prejudiced people in charge dote over and protect. Kids.

It's hard to stomach on a daily basis, and I almost blew this off this morning and went out to do yardwork. But that's what they're counting on. If we stop complaining, he will find a way to make himself Chancellor like another crazy person did in 1933. He'll keep spewing lies and hate and bullshit until we stop him. He will continue to talk and behave like an unchecked bully, with his ridiculous collection of colorless 'yes' men (OK - one (white) woman) congratulating him.

How long are we going to let these fools drag us down into a national pit of disgrace? Where's the line if it isn't being mean to kids?



A graduate of Portland State University, Steve (Reeno) Kloser is the author of Beginning Band - A Guide to Success and Let's Make Music - Classroom Recorder Course. He is also an accomplished teacher, conductor and composer, having penned numerous pieces including La Vida and Fly With Me.

Teacher, cook, Packers fan and proud American, Reeno's usually slanted outlook often presents an unlikely perspective on issues old and new.

Reeno currently lives in Portland, OR.


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Some Will Go To College - All Will Go Through Life complete as a .pdf
School is for Winning
as a .pdf

Space Force One?
posted Aug 10, 18

Real News. Fake President.
posted Aug 06, 18

Mortgaging our Future
Time for an Education Revolution

posted Aug 02, 18

Booze - Yay!
posted Jul 29, 18

How About Some Age Limits?
posted Jul 24, 18

Too Much Forged in Fire?
posted Jul 17, 18

Tritler and the Party of Trump
posted Jul 11, 18

The Malicious Commish
posted Jul 02, 18

Gerry Mander and the Trumpettes
posted Jun 26, 18

The Tacet Underground
posted Jun 20, 18

All Hail the Chancellor
posted Jun 15, 18

Trump and the Big Leagues
posted Jun 11, 18

Bogus Commission on School Safety
posted Jun 08, 18

To Insure Promptness in the Age of Entitlement
posted May 31, 18

LBGTQ Housing
posted May 27, 18

Timeless Trump
posted May 24, 18

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for Professors and Teachers
posted May 20, 18

School is for Winning
posted May 16, 18

The League You Need
posted May 12, 18

Just Login
posted May 09, 18

Seven Words
posted May 04, 18

Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt1
posted Apr 20, 18

Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt2
posted Apr 19, 18

Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt3
posted Apr 18, 18

Zombie Pedestrians
posted Apr 18, 18

Leaders in School
posted Apr 04, 18

Opiates - Hey Doc! A Little Help Please
posted Mar 19, 18

The Grass is NOT Always Greener
posted Mar 14, 18

Teachers and the Sun
posted Mar 13, 18

Can Social Media Contribute to Mental Health Issues?
posted Mar 08, 18

Hope - A Beautiful Sight
posted Feb 28, 18

All You Need is Love … and enough money
posted Feb 24, 18

Teachers and Guns
posted Feb 22, 18

NEA or NRA?
posted Feb 21, 18

I don't (k)NO(w)
posted Feb 20, 18

Dear ESPN
posted Feb 18, 18

Helmet to Helmet HIts Must Go
posted Feb 06, 18

Software Abuse
posted Jan 15, 18
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