Press Release (RP)

Sochi, Krasnodar Krai (RP) - The now-disbanded "Voting Integrity Commission" launched by the Trump administration uncovered no evidence to support claims of major voter fraud, according to an analysis of administration documents released Friday. Once translated into English, the documents revealed that the highly-touted team, led by Russian mathematician Gregor Yukuvlevich Perlman, discussed the possibilities for over an hour at each of the bimonthly meetings that ran from January through March in the picturesque resort town overlooking the Black Sea.

The conclusion that no major fraud occurred seems to have left a void of information about whether minor voter fraud occurred, what the difference between major and minor voter fraud might be and how well major and minor translate into Russian. When questioned about this discrepancy the translator had to excuse herself for personal reasons, and Perlman - whose ability to speak English tends to fluctuate - was unable to effectively communicate well enough to finish the press conference.

Washington, DC (RP) - A "Federal Commission on School Safety" has been launched by the Trump administration in response to the increasing number of tragedies involving guns, students and teachers. Department of Education Chief Betsy DeVos announced that the newly-formed commission will not look at the role of guns in school violence, disregarding the fact that so far in 2018, at the rate of one incident per week, school shootings have caused the death of at least thirty-seven students and adults, as well as at least thirty-one serious injuries.

The Education Honcho also is seeking to eliminate 29 discretionary programs and declares that "our commitment to spending taxpayer dollars wisely and efficiently by consolidating and eliminating duplicative and ineffective federal programs that are better handled at the state or local level." In other words, 'Instead of working to make education more effective by consolidating and standardizing and regulating our nation's education at the national level, I choose to continue to cop out, put my head in the sand, be a traitor to the very concept of education and admit that dutifully doing the job I am being paid to do is way beyond me or anyone on my team.'

Menlo Park, CA (RP) - Mark Zuckerberg was admitted into Stanford Hospital today suffering from stress-induced heart palpitations after an historic and impassioned plea from President Obama has reduced traffic on facebook by more than half! In his twenty-minute address on national TV, President Obama masterfully explained how the Russians were able to affect our last election and how they might be planning to again interfere in what may be the most important election in our nation's history.

Our forty-fourth president also detailed how Zuckerberg and others have amassed fortunes by duping America and the world into being his product, for which he pays nothing, while selling them and selling to them. Obama's pleas to not log into facebook at least until after the election have hit home with a large percentage of the electorate, leaving facebook personnel reeling, as this company built on little more than air and an idea possesses nothing tangible upon which to stand.

NYC, NY (RP) - Roger Goodell delivered his "State of the League" address yesterday, emphasizing the strength and health of the NFL. The bewildered Commissioner focused on player safety, claiming "We can remove the violence from an inherently violent game without adversely affecting the product", comparing the negligibly noticeable difference between drinking a non-alcoholic beer and imbibing in your favorite draught. This, about a game in which one of the primary goals is to hurl a participant to the ground against their will.

Goodell also defended his continued attempts to place a team in London in hope of securing his legacy as the Commissioner that made football a global sport, despite the clear indications that Europe loves soccer, few NFL players want to live in England, the 'N' in 'NFL' stands for 'National' or that the sport -while still popular - is clearly in decline, making further expansion a fool's game.

Washington, DC (RP) - Protests unlike any we have seen since the days of Nixon hiding in his office and peering at America's youth through parted curtains continue in DC as thousands of demonstrators chanted "Real News. Fake President." The group repeated the mantra for close to twelve non-stop hours today before finally breaking for the evening.

An eerie feeling of a creepy Halloween tinted the day, as trump masks, memes, altered photos and a wave of orange wigs dotted and decorated the landscape. It was reported that upon viewing the uprising the president's initial response was to claim a win for himself, seeing it as a sign that America unmistakably loves him and his hair! Accordingly, plans to construct a one-panel White House Walk of Fame with a new bigger star commemorating trump's achievements during and before his time in the White House were quickly drawn and funded; construction has begun.

Professors and Teachers

Professor. Just the word elicits respect, and respect is something we don't have or show a lot of in 2018 America. We call physicians 'doc', coaches, bosses, aunts and uncles by their first names, and almost everyone else 'dude' … except for politicians and lawyers. But even the most confident of us wants to impress when dining or conversing with a professor.

Teacher doesn't have the same shine, does it? Teachers seem more human, more approachable, and generally speaking are not shown the type of respect college professors enjoy. Why?

College professors are almost invariably required to hold a master's degree, as are secondary school teachers in many states and all teachers in some states. Many professors hold doctorate degrees, as do an increasing number of teachers. College professors need only that master's degree in a subject area to get hired, while a prospective teacher's college course load must include several psychology, child psychology, child development and classroom management courses along with courses in teaching strategies and testing as well as advanced courses in their subject area. Teachers are also required to be scrutinized and licensed according to each state's standards - professors are not. It is therefore difficult to deduce that professors are more qualified than teachers.

As for the actual teaching, with all due respect to professors everywhere, pontificating in front of a hundred youngsters that desperately need a good grade, writing books that you can then require all your students to buy and keeping office hours does not even begin to compare to the struggles and rewards of teaching in a public school; hands dirty, barrels of patience, nuts and bolts teaching.

If professors aren't better qualified to teach and they aren't necessarily better teachers (in fact, professors can be horrible teachers and keep their jobs based on social or media status, authoring popular publications or other notoriety), then why do professors garner more respect than teachers?

Professors have it made. The first huge advantage they have over teachers is that their students want to be in class and are highly motivated to do well. The other, to be blunt, is that professors do not have to put up with any crap. Mouth off in a college course, and at the professor's discretion you can be banished from the course without any regard for the fact that you've already paid over five hundred dollars in tuition for the class or that it is the last credit you need to graduate. You. Are. Outta Here!

Obviously, dealing with a class of students that is wondering whether there'll be chocolate milk for lunch and a lecture hall filled with students that are looking forward to a cold beer after class present different challenges for instructors, as well as different expectations from their employers. It is reasonable to expect teachers to learn, practice and refine classroom management skills, as kids definitely will be kids, and as noted above, most teachers receive training in this area. The issue, is the line.

Is chewing gum worth a demerit? Is throwing a ball at another student's head worth being deprived of recess for a week? Does talking back to a teacher warrant a time-out, detention or corporal punishment (still legal and being practiced in nineteen states)? When does a student's behavior warrant action outside the auspices of classroom management and justify a trip to see the principal? The line gets trampled and dissipates until it is all but forgotten. And if a student does get removed from class, will the principal take action or just scold him and send him back for the teacher to deal with again? This is some of the aforementioned crap, up with which professors do not have to put! But wait, there's more!

Try telling the head of the math department at a university that she has to spend forty-five minutes on 'lunch duty' every day, and you can start looking for another person to head up your math department. Bus duty can be a boon, especially if you're a smoker that hasn't had a chance to get to the break room this morning, and standing around on the playground while there are papers to grade and students waiting for help can be as crazy-making as trying to drive from place to place in Seattle.

And then there's parents. Parents that believe that since they went to school they know how to do a teacher's job. Parents that believe that paying taxes makes them the teacher's boss. Parents that believe that any demand they make should be honored because that is THEIR kid and they have final say in any circumstance. Parents, the concerns of whom can almost always be best addressed by them attending class with their child to both witness behavior and get an accurate idea of how the teacher runs his class, but are almost never willing to do so because they need to go to work.

This indication that their job is more important than the teacher's will always coincide with a claim that the education of their child is the most important consideration. This 1) puts the teacher in a no-win, as it 2) dismisses the logical and recommended course of action because it is inconvenient for the parent and 3) makes the teacher a babysitter any way you slice it; one that, at least on occasion, has to take crap. And that's why teachers are not respected in the same way professors are.

No matter how much admiration we may have for a teacher, her abilities, the way he handles the students, her knowledge, his expertise, in the back of our minds they are also the reason that we can go to work or take classes or just enjoy a few silent moments during the day. This isn't going to change, but being a babysitting service by default does not mean that schools need to embrace, enable or encourage that role as a part of their existence. Contrarily, it should be adamantly resisted in the name of education and the future of our children and our nation.

Ask a teacher if sending the following note home, and sticking to what is says, would allow them to do a better job of doing their job, and watch the smile grow:

Dear Parents,

JFK Elementary School is an educational institution, dedicated to learning and helping to learn. Any student that disrupts the learning process for him/her or any of his/her classmates will be removed from class and expected to be picked up and taken home within thirty minutes of the notifying phone call.


Principal Pelotas

Classroom management? Sure. Disrespectful or disruptive behavior? No! Teachers are educators, not babysitters. Place the burden for behavior that was learned in the home on the people in the home and things will change. How many times do you think it will take for parents to be forced to leave work, lose money and jeopardize their jobs before they (finally) take responsibility and/or action?

Teachers deserve our respect, our gratitude, our consideration and the benefit of the doubt. Teachers help themselves when they demand and expect these things. Students and parents aide in the student's education when they show them. School administrators stand tall and true to ideals when they work to protect and encourage teachers receiving our respect, our gratitude, our consideration and the benefit of the doubt.

Teachers. Where would you be without yours?

A graduate of Portland State University, Steve (Reeno) Kloser is the author of Beginning Band - A Guide to Success and Let's Make Music - Classroom Recorder Course. He is also an accomplished teacher, conductor and composer, having penned numerous pieces including La Vida and Fly With Me.

Teacher, cook, Packers fan and proud American, Reeno's usually slanted outlook often presents an unlikely perspective on issues old and new.

Reeno currently lives in Portland, OR.

Follow Reeno on Twitter

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