Sochi, Krasnodar Krai (RP) - The now-disbanded "Voting Integrity Commission" launched by the Trump administration uncovered no evidence to support claims of major voter fraud, according to an analysis of administration documents released Friday. Once translated into English, the documents revealed that the highly-touted team, led by Russian mathematician Gregor Yukuvlevich Perlman, discussed the possibilities for over an hour at each of the bimonthly meetings that ran from January through March in the picturesque resort town overlooking the Black Sea.
The conclusion that no major fraud occurred seems to have left a void of information about whether minor voter fraud occurred, what the difference between major and minor voter fraud might be and how well major and minor translate into Russian. When questioned about this discrepancy the translator had to excuse herself for personal reasons, and Perlman - whose ability to speak English tends to fluctuate - was unable to effectively communicate well enough to finish the press conference.
Washington, DC (RP) - A "Federal Commission on School Safety" has been launched by the Trump administration in response to the increasing number of tragedies involving guns, students and teachers. Department of Education Chief Betsy DeVos announced that the newly-formed commission will not look at the role of guns in school violence, disregarding the fact that so far in 2018, at the rate of one incident per week, school shootings have caused the death of at least thirty-seven students and adults, as well as at least thirty-one serious injuries.
The Education Honcho also is seeking to eliminate 29 discretionary programs and declares that "our commitment to spending taxpayer dollars wisely and efficiently by consolidating and eliminating duplicative and ineffective federal programs that are better handled at the state or local level." In other words, 'Instead of working to make education more effective by consolidating and standardizing and regulating our nation's education at the national level, I choose to continue to cop out, put my head in the sand, be a traitor to the very concept of education and admit that dutifully doing the job I am being paid to do is way beyond me or anyone on my team.'
Menlo Park, CA (RP) - Mark Zuckerberg was admitted into Stanford Hospital today suffering from stress-induced heart palpitations after an historic and impassioned plea from President Obama has reduced traffic on facebook by more than half! In his twenty-minute address on national TV, President Obama masterfully explained how the Russians were able to affect our last election and how they might be planning to again interfere in what may be the most important election in our nation's history.
Our forty-fourth president also detailed how Zuckerberg and others have amassed fortunes by duping America and the world into being his product, for which he pays nothing, while selling them and selling to them. Obama's pleas to not log into facebook at least until after the election have hit home with a large percentage of the electorate, leaving facebook personnel reeling, as this company built on little more than air and an idea possesses nothing tangible upon which to stand.
NYC, NY (RP) - Roger Goodell delivered his "State of the League" address yesterday, emphasizing the strength and health of the NFL. The bewildered Commissioner focused on player safety, claiming "We can remove the violence from an inherently violent game without adversely affecting the product", comparing the negligibly noticeable difference between drinking a non-alcoholic beer and imbibing in your favorite draught. This, about a game in which one of the primary goals is to hurl a participant to the ground against their will.
Goodell also defended his continued attempts to place a team in London in hope of securing his legacy as the Commissioner that made football a global sport, despite the clear indications that Europe loves soccer, few NFL players want to live in England, the 'N' in 'NFL' stands for 'National' or that the sport -while still popular - is clearly in decline, making further expansion a fool's game.
Washington, DC (RP) - Protests unlike any we have seen since the days of Nixon hiding in his office and peering at America's youth through parted curtains continue in DC as thousands of demonstrators chanted "Real News. Fake President." The group repeated the mantra for close to twelve non-stop hours today before finally breaking for the evening.
An eerie feeling of a creepy Halloween tinted the day, as trump masks, memes, altered photos and a wave of orange wigs dotted and decorated the landscape. It was reported that upon viewing the uprising the president's initial response was to claim a win for himself, seeing it as a sign that America unmistakably loves him and his hair! Accordingly, plans to construct a one-panel White House Walk of Fame with a new bigger star commemorating trump's achievements during and before his time in the White House were quickly drawn and funded; construction has begun.
"Don't use that word!" This new, weird battle cry being barked by presidents, governors and protective moms somehow persists in the Land of the Free. Even casual conversation can be a tricky affair these days, with unlikely words laying in wait like landmines set to explode by the slightest touch, often causing unwanted clarification, heated debate or scolding.
When the Trump administration informed the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that the use of seven specific words and phrases would be prohibited, it was widely viewed more as an overt attack on science than as a condemnation of word-choice or terminology. Attempting to remove vulnerable, diversity, entitlement, transgender, fetus, evidence-based, and science-based from the lexicon is tantamount to sponsoring a book burning bonfire complete with marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate - the difference between banning words and burning books being negligible, as the true motive behind both is to quash ideas.
In similar fashion, a gag order issued to EPA employees and banning DOE staff members from using the phrases climate change or Paris Agreement leaves millions of Americans wishing that the President would shift his focus to these seven sacred words instead: will preserve, protect and defend the Constitution (including the First Amendment) - words that are part of a promise he made.
Of course the first list of seven words was brought to us by the genius George Carlin, who in 1972 gave us the 'Seven Words That You Can Never Say on Television'. Remembering that at that time 'television' meant CBS, NBC and ABC only, the list holds up surprisingly well after forty-six years, with at least six of the seven still conspicuously absent from network TV.
In 2018 it is truly difficult to know who has decided what word is offensive to whom, when it was decided and whether it is still taboo. Here are seven words to approach with caution:
Retard, with the emphasis on the second syllable, is good word. More precise than slow, it carries with it a sense of stunted maturation that slow or lengthen do not. "The growth of the corn was retarded by the late snowstorm" is a perfectly fine, descriptive sentence. Even so, there is a faction of concerned citizens that genuinely believe that completely removing the word retard from our shared vocabulary will be a solution to the pain its isolated use inflicts, and sincerely expect you to stop using it!
Language is alive. It cannot be imposed or decided. Rules or laws may be imposed or decided, but language lives on, on its terms.
If things that are said didn't cause others to disagree, or be angry, or have hurt feelings, there would be no need for a law protecting free speech!!
Arguing against the use of a word is fighting the wrong battle. Words are not inherently bad, evil or hurtful - if they were, follar, scheisse and cul would be inappropriate for this article. Without intent words are nothing more than sounds and collections of specific squiggles we call letters. That lily white kid rapping along in his car is not being disrespectful by singing that word - he just doesn't get it. Baby boomers that refer to people with almond eyes as oriental are not being disrespectful - that's what they were taught in grade school!
Even if retard was magically removed from existence, mean will always find a way to be mean, and language would come up with another word or phrase just as hurtful. The battle that needs to be fought is against ignorance. Perhaps if the money and energy spent fighting a word was spent promoting the fact that all people are special and precious and valuable, some small amount of change might occur. Instead of trying to limit us and our language, help enlighten us.
In 2018 it is easy to know words and their accompanying intentions and actions that are positive and solution-oriented - Do use those words! Here are seven that we can all employ with carefree abandon:
brotherhood/sisterhood/peoplehood, consideration, mutual respect, kindness, love, unity and Peace.
Click Here for more about George Carlin's seven words.
School is for Winning
as a .pdf
Space Force One?
posted Aug 10, 18
Real News. Fake President.
posted Aug 06, 18
Mortgaging our Future
Time for an Education Revolution
posted Aug 02, 18
Booze - Yay!
posted Jul 29, 18
How About Some Age Limits?
posted Jul 24, 18
Too Much Forged in Fire?
posted Jul 17, 18
Tritler and the Party of Trump
posted Jul 11, 18
The Malicious Commish
posted Jul 02, 18
Gerry Mander and the Trumpettes
posted Jun 26, 18
The Tacet Underground
posted Jun 20, 18
All Hail the Chancellor
posted Jun 15, 18
Trump and the Big Leagues
posted Jun 11, 18
Bogus Commission on School Safety
posted Jun 08, 18
To Insure Promptness in the Age of Entitlement
posted May 31, 18
posted May 27, 18
posted May 24, 18
Being Mean to Kids!
posted May 22, 18
R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for Professors and Teachers
posted May 20, 18
School is for Winning
posted May 16, 18
The League You Need
posted May 12, 18
posted May 09, 18
Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt1
posted Apr 20, 18
Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt2
posted Apr 19, 18
Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt3
posted Apr 18, 18
posted Apr 18, 18
Leaders in School
posted Apr 04, 18
Opiates - Hey Doc! A Little Help Please
posted Mar 19, 18
The Grass is NOT Always Greener
posted Mar 14, 18
Teachers and the Sun
posted Mar 13, 18
Can Social Media Contribute to Mental Health Issues?
posted Mar 08, 18
Hope - A Beautiful Sight
posted Feb 28, 18
All You Need is Love … and enough money
posted Feb 24, 18
Teachers and Guns
posted Feb 22, 18
NEA or NRA?
posted Feb 21, 18
I don't (k)NO(w)
posted Feb 20, 18
posted Feb 18, 18
Helmet to Helmet HIts Must Go
posted Feb 06, 18
posted Jan 15, 18
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