Press Release (RP)

Sochi, Krasnodar Krai (RP) - The now-disbanded "Voting Integrity Commission" launched by the Trump administration uncovered no evidence to support claims of major voter fraud, according to an analysis of administration documents released Friday. Once translated into English, the documents revealed that the highly-touted team, led by Russian mathematician Gregor Yukuvlevich Perlman, discussed the possibilities for over an hour at each of the bimonthly meetings that ran from January through March in the picturesque resort town overlooking the Black Sea.

The conclusion that no major fraud occurred seems to have left a void of information about whether minor voter fraud occurred, what the difference between major and minor voter fraud might be and how well major and minor translate into Russian. When questioned about this discrepancy the translator had to excuse herself for personal reasons, and Perlman - whose ability to speak English tends to fluctuate - was unable to effectively communicate well enough to finish the press conference.

Washington, DC (RP) - A "Federal Commission on School Safety" has been launched by the Trump administration in response to the increasing number of tragedies involving guns, students and teachers. Department of Education Chief Betsy DeVos announced that the newly-formed commission will not look at the role of guns in school violence, disregarding the fact that so far in 2018, at the rate of one incident per week, school shootings have caused the death of at least thirty-seven students and adults, as well as at least thirty-one serious injuries.

The Education Honcho also is seeking to eliminate 29 discretionary programs and declares that "our commitment to spending taxpayer dollars wisely and efficiently by consolidating and eliminating duplicative and ineffective federal programs that are better handled at the state or local level." In other words, 'Instead of working to make education more effective by consolidating and standardizing and regulating our nation's education at the national level, I choose to continue to cop out, put my head in the sand, be a traitor to the very concept of education and admit that dutifully doing the job I am being paid to do is way beyond me or anyone on my team.'

Menlo Park, CA (RP) - Mark Zuckerberg was admitted into Stanford Hospital today suffering from stress-induced heart palpitations after an historic and impassioned plea from President Obama has reduced traffic on facebook by more than half! In his twenty-minute address on national TV, President Obama masterfully explained how the Russians were able to affect our last election and how they might be planning to again interfere in what may be the most important election in our nation's history.

Our forty-fourth president also detailed how Zuckerberg and others have amassed fortunes by duping America and the world into being his product, for which he pays nothing, while selling them and selling to them. Obama's pleas to not log into facebook at least until after the election have hit home with a large percentage of the electorate, leaving facebook personnel reeling, as this company built on little more than air and an idea possesses nothing tangible upon which to stand.

NYC, NY (RP) - Roger Goodell delivered his "State of the League" address yesterday, emphasizing the strength and health of the NFL. The bewildered Commissioner focused on player safety, claiming "We can remove the violence from an inherently violent game without adversely affecting the product", comparing the negligibly noticeable difference between drinking a non-alcoholic beer and imbibing in your favorite draught. This, about a game in which one of the primary goals is to hurl a participant to the ground against their will.

Goodell also defended his continued attempts to place a team in London in hope of securing his legacy as the Commissioner that made football a global sport, despite the clear indications that Europe loves soccer, few NFL players want to live in England, the 'N' in 'NFL' stands for 'National' or that the sport -while still popular - is clearly in decline, making further expansion a fool's game.

Washington, DC (RP) - Protests unlike any we have seen since the days of Nixon hiding in his office and peering at America's youth through parted curtains continue in DC as thousands of demonstrators chanted "Real News. Fake President." The group repeated the mantra for close to twelve non-stop hours today before finally breaking for the evening.

An eerie feeling of a creepy Halloween tinted the day, as trump masks, memes, altered photos and a wave of orange wigs dotted and decorated the landscape. It was reported that upon viewing the uprising the president's initial response was to claim a win for himself, seeing it as a sign that America unmistakably loves him and his hair! Accordingly, plans to construct a one-panel White House Walk of Fame with a new bigger star commemorating trump's achievements during and before his time in the White House were quickly drawn and funded; construction has begun.



Some Go To College - All Go Through Life
Part Three: We'll Be Amazed

There has never been a good answer to the question, "Why do we have to learn this?" Asked millions of times by millions of students, it is invariably responded to by teachers with avoidance tactics or gibberish because very often the real answer is: you don't.

We invest heavily in information from the bell curve, yet ignore much of what it tells us. We know ahead of time that students like Jane, whose classidemic test scores fall in the center or the left of the standardized test bell curve, will not do well in Algebra or Biology class, yet we are compelled to require that they take those courses. Why? In order to give them a well-rounded education?? Because they'll need it to get into college and we must prepare all students for college no matter what?? Or is it because the idea that we all must strive to get to the top of the achievement ladder - that in its essence education IS striving to get to the top of the achievement ladder - is so ingrained in us that we can't even question it?

Prizing 21st century American values over 17th century British values
In the 21st century Americans value the individual - especially our darling children and their special needs. Part of the problem in schools today is that the idealistic notion that all children should be treated the same, with the same opportunities and expectations, when children are clearly not all the same, effectively slows all the students' progress.

Here we again find our soccer parents, this time clamoring for their child to be included in something for which he did not qualify. At first glance the issue might be seen as the parents trying to force their child into an activity, but the real issue is more likely that the activity that coincides with their child's aptitude does not exist. They want their child to feel included, which is natural.

Forcing millions and millions of our beloved children, each one unique and special, up the same four hundred year old British achievement ladder is insane. How many professors do we need?

For many students, a solid ninth grade level knowledge of basic geography, arithmetic, science, reading, spelling, history, English and computers is all or most of the classidemics (plus computers) they will really need. Simply put, those on the right side of the standardized test bell curve aside for a moment, both society and our young people are much better off if we send high school graduates into the world that have gained solid ninth grade math, science, geography, history, reading, English and computer skills, than if we send them off with high school Algebra and Geometry courses under their belt, the subject matter of which they by and large did not comprehend and will never use as an adult, and who can theoretically solve 64 = y - 8 but cannot balance a bank account, which is what we're doing now.

We must develop aptitude tests that can give us clues about each child's abilities and inclinations as they advance through elementary school. By the time students reach the tenth grade parents, teachers and students should have a pretty good idea of at least some of the student's areas of intelligence (high aptitude). The incoming sophomores should also have acquired at least most of the basic skills and knowledge expected of today's graduated ninth grade students, with areas of higher or lower classidemic aptitude merely noted along the way.

Sophomores might spend half their days taking Sophomore Life Prep Courses which have been sparsely detailed above. The other half of their day could be spent taking courses prescribed for entrance into a community college or a university, or in areas for which they have shown an aptitude or an interest.

If, at the end of their sophomore year, students demonstrate all the required abilities and knowledge that indicate the completion of their Sophomore Life Prep Courses, they may chose an area of directed studies on which to concentrate during their junior and senior years. Choosing from New Tech, Mechanical & Engineering, Classidemics and The Arts based on demonstrated aptitude and preference, students spend most of the last two years of school studying and doing what they love … or at least what they are good at.

Now upper class students, they are able to spend half their day delving deep into their directed study coursework. Collegebound students would spend the remainder of their day taking courses prescribed for entrance into a community college or a university, and careerbound students could augment their course load with classes in areas for which they have shown an aptitude or an interest, along with a mandatory Life Prep Refresher Course. Additionally, all students would be required to take a Job Skills course, during which they would learn how to make change, mop floors, stock a shelf, wait tables, change a tire and take inventory among other tasks.

Students are also given instruction on career possibilities in their area, whether they might consider their passion a vocation or an avocation, and some no-nonsense business advice from guest professionals.

By not trying to treat all children the same, with the same opportunities and expectations, when children are clearly not all the same, we free them to excel by lifting the limits imposed by the inclusion of students with dissimilar aptitudes. Now the Classidemics can get into some serious equations, the Artists into some smokin' jazz, the Mechanics into a beast of an engine or robot and the Techies into some serious code - serious. If you allow artists to make art, engineers to create things, techies to improve tech and classidemics to do research all day, you won't need grades and you won't need to take attendance.

Let's Get Busy
We must completely revamp high school curriculum with the driving philosophy being that all students are intelligent.

We must assess in what area each student's intelligence lies and help them nurture that intelligence. We must revamp the high school graduation requirements, including a set of national minimum requirements to receive federal funding, with a much bigger focus on life skills and a reduction of unnecessary Classidemics. (This will not be easy, as teachers are a passionate lot, often driven by a love for their subject and often driven by a fear of losing their job. A small committee of Education Professors and small business owners - and not teachers currently in the trenches - should be utilized for this.)

We must spend a LOT more on education. We need to provide a 21st century living wage for teachers, classroom equipment, student computers, internet bandwidth, IT systems, IT personnel, books, software, more teachers, teacher's aides, art supplies and so on forever and ever, Amen. In order to do that,

it must be real to taxpayers. A few courageous school districts will have to put the plan in action as a pilot, with its progress and success documented. The NEA in conjunction with the Dept. of Education must then produce a series of TV ads titled, 'America's Youth in School' and show the country a better way; better education, happier students, more productive young adults. They must market it like it is beer or shampoo. They must make it as real to today's taxpayers as Walt and Werner made space travel to the taxpayer's of the 50s and 60s.

And then, instead of acting like an undeserving step-child begging for just enough gruel to survive, as does the very typical mailer below,

Teachers need to stand up and say, "Damn It! We need more! We need more to do a good job. We need more to do right by your children. We need more to be safe. We need more to ensure that the United States of America will fulfil its manifest destiny as the most powerful, most advanced nation in the world. We need more - a lot more, and your children are worth it and their teachers are worth it and America's future is worth it and it is time to pony up."

We'll be amazed
Back to 'America's Youth in School' for a moment: There are a couple kids in almost any high school that could produce those ads. Really! We will be amazed at what our youth can do when left alone to do what it is they do. Technology has matured so fast in the past ten years, and provides so much that was unavailable a short generation ago, that those born after the turn of the century have a perspective so intriguingly different from their elders that their visions surely stretch beyond the realm of their parents' imaginations; that we literally cannot fathom all the wondrous things they will come up with. We must empower them and their imaginations.

We must follow through with all the hovering and helicoptering and protecting and championing and bragging with some good ol' fashioned tax dollars - lots of them. We'll be amazed.



A graduate of Portland State University, Steve (Reeno) Kloser is the author of Beginning Band - A Guide to Success and Let's Make Music - Classroom Recorder Course. He is also an accomplished teacher, conductor and composer, having penned numerous pieces including La Vida and Fly With Me.

Teacher, cook, Packers fan and proud American, Reeno's usually slanted outlook often presents an unlikely perspective on issues old and new.

Reeno currently lives in Portland, OR.


Follow Reeno on Twitter

Some Will Go To College - All Will Go Through Life complete as a .pdf
School is for Winning
as a .pdf

Space Force One?
posted Aug 10, 18

Real News. Fake President.
posted Aug 06, 18

Mortgaging our Future
Time for an Education Revolution

posted Aug 02, 18

Booze - Yay!
posted Jul 29, 18

How About Some Age Limits?
posted Jul 24, 18

Too Much Forged in Fire?
posted Jul 17, 18

Tritler and the Party of Trump
posted Jul 11, 18

The Malicious Commish
posted Jul 02, 18

Gerry Mander and the Trumpettes
posted Jun 26, 18

The Tacet Underground
posted Jun 20, 18

All Hail the Chancellor
posted Jun 15, 18

Trump and the Big Leagues
posted Jun 11, 18

Bogus Commission on School Safety
posted Jun 08, 18

To Insure Promptness in the Age of Entitlement
posted May 31, 18

LBGTQ Housing
posted May 27, 18

Timeless Trump
posted May 24, 18

Being Mean to Kids!
posted May 22, 18

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for Professors and Teachers
posted May 20, 18

School is for Winning
posted May 16, 18

The League You Need
posted May 12, 18

Just Login
posted May 09, 18

Seven Words
posted May 04, 18

Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt1
posted Apr 20, 18

Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt2
posted Apr 19, 18

Zombie Pedestrians
posted Apr 18, 18

Leaders in School
posted Apr 04, 18

Opiates - Hey Doc! A Little Help Please
posted Mar 19, 18

The Grass is NOT Always Greener
posted Mar 14, 18

Teachers and the Sun
posted Mar 13, 18

Can Social Media Contribute to Mental Health Issues?
posted Mar 08, 18

Hope - A Beautiful Sight
posted Feb 28, 18

All You Need is Love … and enough money
posted Feb 24, 18

Teachers and Guns
posted Feb 22, 18

NEA or NRA?
posted Feb 21, 18

I don't (k)NO(w)
posted Feb 20, 18

Dear ESPN
posted Feb 18, 18

Helmet to Helmet HIts Must Go
posted Feb 06, 18

Software Abuse
posted Jan 15, 18
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