Sochi, Krasnodar Krai (RP) - The now-disbanded "Voting Integrity Commission" launched by the Trump administration uncovered no evidence to support claims of major voter fraud, according to an analysis of administration documents released Friday. Once translated into English, the documents revealed that the highly-touted team, led by Russian mathematician Gregor Yukuvlevich Perlman, discussed the possibilities for over an hour at each of the bimonthly meetings that ran from January through March in the picturesque resort town overlooking the Black Sea.
The conclusion that no major fraud occurred seems to have left a void of information about whether minor voter fraud occurred, what the difference between major and minor voter fraud might be and how well major and minor translate into Russian. When questioned about this discrepancy the translator had to excuse herself for personal reasons, and Perlman - whose ability to speak English tends to fluctuate - was unable to effectively communicate well enough to finish the press conference.
Washington, DC (RP) - A "Federal Commission on School Safety" has been launched by the Trump administration in response to the increasing number of tragedies involving guns, students and teachers. Department of Education Chief Betsy DeVos announced that the newly-formed commission will not look at the role of guns in school violence, disregarding the fact that so far in 2018, at the rate of one incident per week, school shootings have caused the death of at least thirty-seven students and adults, as well as at least thirty-one serious injuries.
The Education Honcho also is seeking to eliminate 29 discretionary programs and declares that "our commitment to spending taxpayer dollars wisely and efficiently by consolidating and eliminating duplicative and ineffective federal programs that are better handled at the state or local level." In other words, 'Instead of working to make education more effective by consolidating and standardizing and regulating our nation's education at the national level, I choose to continue to cop out, put my head in the sand, be a traitor to the very concept of education and admit that dutifully doing the job I am being paid to do is way beyond me or anyone on my team.'
Menlo Park, CA (RP) - Mark Zuckerberg was admitted into Stanford Hospital today suffering from stress-induced heart palpitations after an historic and impassioned plea from President Obama has reduced traffic on facebook by more than half! In his twenty-minute address on national TV, President Obama masterfully explained how the Russians were able to affect our last election and how they might be planning to again interfere in what may be the most important election in our nation's history.
Our forty-fourth president also detailed how Zuckerberg and others have amassed fortunes by duping America and the world into being his product, for which he pays nothing, while selling them and selling to them. Obama's pleas to not log into facebook at least until after the election have hit home with a large percentage of the electorate, leaving facebook personnel reeling, as this company built on little more than air and an idea possesses nothing tangible upon which to stand.
NYC, NY (RP) - Roger Goodell delivered his "State of the League" address yesterday, emphasizing the strength and health of the NFL. The bewildered Commissioner focused on player safety, claiming "We can remove the violence from an inherently violent game without adversely affecting the product", comparing the negligibly noticeable difference between drinking a non-alcoholic beer and imbibing in your favorite draught. This, about a game in which one of the primary goals is to hurl a participant to the ground against their will.
Goodell also defended his continued attempts to place a team in London in hope of securing his legacy as the Commissioner that made football a global sport, despite the clear indications that Europe loves soccer, few NFL players want to live in England, the 'N' in 'NFL' stands for 'National' or that the sport -while still popular - is clearly in decline, making further expansion a fool's game.
Washington, DC (RP) - Protests unlike any we have seen since the days of Nixon hiding in his office and peering at America's youth through parted curtains continue in DC as thousands of demonstrators chanted "Real News. Fake President." The group repeated the mantra for close to twelve non-stop hours today before finally breaking for the evening.
An eerie feeling of a creepy Halloween tinted the day, as trump masks, memes, altered photos and a wave of orange wigs dotted and decorated the landscape. It was reported that upon viewing the uprising the president's initial response was to claim a win for himself, seeing it as a sign that America unmistakably loves him and his hair! Accordingly, plans to construct a one-panel White House Walk of Fame with a new bigger star commemorating trump's achievements during and before his time in the White House were quickly drawn and funded; construction has begun.
The bell rings and twenty-nine angelic faces look to her for guidance. In that moment she realizes that while as Governor overseeing the statistical lives of her state's almost four million citizens is a huge responsibility - one she takes seriously, being entrusted with the actual lives of these twenty-nine cherubs is a grander burden.
Initially an eager participant in the new 'Leaders in School' program, the Governor is becoming increasingly dismayed as the reality of spending an entire day working as an educator in the public school system is becoming clear. It was bad enough that she had to make her own coffee and breakfast this morning and then actually drive herself to school, but facing a day without her personal assistants seems like cruel and unusual punishment. The day is only forty seconds old, and she is already looking for a light at the end of an awfully long tunnel.
It's a grueling day for the Gov. She does her best to follow the scribbled lesson plans with outdated textbooks, only enough computers for half the students, a white board with a couple dried-out markers and some antiquated pull-down maps. Keeping the class on task and moving forward becomes increasingly difficult as seven of the twenty-nine students speak Spanish as their lengua materna.
When lunchtime mercifully arrives she is finally able to relieve herself before rushing out to work playground duty for the first lunch, and then be amazed to discover that teachers have to pay $4 for a piece of cafeteria pan pizza and some tots. She tries to pay, but has to borrow a dollar - as teachers often do.
By 2:30 a dim light is beginning to shine, and as the students gather their things and line up at the door, she spots a set of parents - obviously upset - waiting outside the classroom. The parents enter as the children leave, and the (presumed) husband begins to complain in a slow, simmering Spanglish from which the Gov gleans that one of the Caucasian children said a Spanish curse word to their child, and that he had texted the parents about the affront. How can you let this happen? Don't you know what is going on in the classroom? How can you let children say such things? ¿Qué pasa?
While employing her very best diplomatic skills and struggling to remember anything from tenth grade clasé de español, a loud yet muffled, hollow POP rings out … heartbeat, heartbeat … POP, another. "Get on the ground, and do not move!", she whispers very authoritatively. heartbeat, heartbeat …
"Sorry everybody!", Skip the Custodian chuckles and yells simultaneously from the corridor, "I just dropped a couple florescent bulbs is all."
"Holy shit", she thought, realizing that she'd now have to deal with the parents again, wondering if she might be better off just staying on the floor. "We gotta make this better."
School districts consistently make a classic business mistake by trying to operate undercapitalized. Each new tax levy pleads for a slight increase, leaving our kids in the role of polite beggars and faculty rooms filled with teachers fretting about how many of them will still have jobs on the 'morrow. If you need a ten percent increase, don't ask for a two percent increase - stand up and ask for the ten! But first …
Then hire a marketing firm to show it to us. Pay for national TV ads. Wow us! Convince us that it will help give our kids a much better education. Let us see our students converse in Chinese or Spanish with students continents away, and cooperatively solve calculus equations with students miles away. Let us see what our exceptional youngsters can create when given an opportunity, and let our minds be blown … and we will pay for it.
Surely the NEA's lawyers are capable of reminding Congress that teachers (and students) are not being provided a safe work environment, and inform them that the nation's proud educators will not return to work until and unless they are provided a safe work environment - one predicated upon a national ban on assault weapons, as they serve no positive purpose in our society and have proven to be the casual assassin's weapon of choice.
Striking teachers will create a sort of chaos that will force lawmakers to pay attention, and short of a group of anti-NRA lobbyists drastically outspending and attacking the NRA, it doesn't appear as if another group in the nation has near enough power to make a difference. A non-violent protest to an extremely violent issue. An idea that we have heard before, and that has worked before. One that will work again.
Please look for the second installment of this piece, entitled Curves, Tests and Grades.
School is for Winning
as a .pdf
Space Force One?
posted Aug 10, 18
Real News. Fake President.
posted Aug 06, 18
Mortgaging our Future
Time for an Education Revolution
posted Aug 02, 18
Booze - Yay!
posted Jul 29, 18
How About Some Age Limits?
posted Jul 24, 18
Too Much Forged in Fire?
posted Jul 17, 18
Tritler and the Party of Trump
posted Jul 11, 18
The Malicious Commish
posted Jul 02, 18
Gerry Mander and the Trumpettes
posted Jun 26, 18
The Tacet Underground
posted Jun 20, 18
All Hail the Chancellor
posted Jun 15, 18
Trump and the Big Leagues
posted Jun 11, 18
Bogus Commission on School Safety
posted Jun 08, 18
To Insure Promptness in the Age of Entitlement
posted May 31, 18
posted May 27, 18
posted May 24, 18
Being Mean to Kids!
posted May 22, 18
R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for Professors and Teachers
posted May 20, 18
School is for Winning
posted May 16, 18
The League You Need
posted May 12, 18
posted May 09, 18
posted May 04, 18
Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt1
posted Apr 20, 18
Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt2
posted Apr 19, 18
Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt3
posted Apr 18, 18
posted Apr 18, 18
Opiates - Hey Doc! A Little Help Please
posted Mar 19, 18
The Grass is NOT Always Greener
posted Mar 14, 18
Teachers and the Sun
posted Mar 13, 18
Can Social Media Contribute to Mental Health Issues?
posted Mar 08, 18
Hope - A Beautiful Sight
posted Feb 28, 18
All You Need is Love … and enough money
posted Feb 24, 18
Teachers and Guns
posted Feb 22, 18
NEA or NRA?
posted Feb 21, 18
I don't (k)NO(w)
posted Feb 20, 18
posted Feb 18, 18
Helmet to Helmet HIts Must Go
posted Feb 06, 18
posted Jan 15, 18
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