Press Release (RP)

Sochi, Krasnodar Krai (RP) - The now-disbanded "Voting Integrity Commission" launched by the Trump administration uncovered no evidence to support claims of major voter fraud, according to an analysis of administration documents released Friday. Once translated into English, the documents revealed that the highly-touted team, led by Russian mathematician Gregor Yukuvlevich Perlman, discussed the possibilities for over an hour at each of the bimonthly meetings that ran from January through March in the picturesque resort town overlooking the Black Sea.

The conclusion that no major fraud occurred seems to have left a void of information about whether minor voter fraud occurred, what the difference between major and minor voter fraud might be and how well major and minor translate into Russian. When questioned about this discrepancy the translator had to excuse herself for personal reasons, and Perlman - whose ability to speak English tends to fluctuate - was unable to effectively communicate well enough to finish the press conference.

Washington, DC (RP) - A "Federal Commission on School Safety" has been launched by the Trump administration in response to the increasing number of tragedies involving guns, students and teachers. Department of Education Chief Betsy DeVos announced that the newly-formed commission will not look at the role of guns in school violence, disregarding the fact that so far in 2018, at the rate of one incident per week, school shootings have caused the death of at least thirty-seven students and adults, as well as at least thirty-one serious injuries.

The Education Honcho also is seeking to eliminate 29 discretionary programs and declares that "our commitment to spending taxpayer dollars wisely and efficiently by consolidating and eliminating duplicative and ineffective federal programs that are better handled at the state or local level." In other words, 'Instead of working to make education more effective by consolidating and standardizing and regulating our nation's education at the national level, I choose to continue to cop out, put my head in the sand, be a traitor to the very concept of education and admit that dutifully doing the job I am being paid to do is way beyond me or anyone on my team.'

Menlo Park, CA (RP) - Mark Zuckerberg was admitted into Stanford Hospital today suffering from stress-induced heart palpitations after an historic and impassioned plea from President Obama has reduced traffic on facebook by more than half! In his twenty-minute address on national TV, President Obama masterfully explained how the Russians were able to affect our last election and how they might be planning to again interfere in what may be the most important election in our nation's history.

Our forty-fourth president also detailed how Zuckerberg and others have amassed fortunes by duping America and the world into being his product, for which he pays nothing, while selling them and selling to them. Obama's pleas to not log into facebook at least until after the election have hit home with a large percentage of the electorate, leaving facebook personnel reeling, as this company built on little more than air and an idea possesses nothing tangible upon which to stand.

NYC, NY (RP) - Roger Goodell delivered his "State of the League" address yesterday, emphasizing the strength and health of the NFL. The bewildered Commissioner focused on player safety, claiming "We can remove the violence from an inherently violent game without adversely affecting the product", comparing the negligibly noticeable difference between drinking a non-alcoholic beer and imbibing in your favorite draught. This, about a game in which one of the primary goals is to hurl a participant to the ground against their will.

Goodell also defended his continued attempts to place a team in London in hope of securing his legacy as the Commissioner that made football a global sport, despite the clear indications that Europe loves soccer, few NFL players want to live in England, the 'N' in 'NFL' stands for 'National' or that the sport -while still popular - is clearly in decline, making further expansion a fool's game.

Washington, DC (RP) - Protests unlike any we have seen since the days of Nixon hiding in his office and peering at America's youth through parted curtains continue in DC as thousands of demonstrators chanted "Real News. Fake President." The group repeated the mantra for close to twelve non-stop hours today before finally breaking for the evening.

An eerie feeling of a creepy Halloween tinted the day, as trump masks, memes, altered photos and a wave of orange wigs dotted and decorated the landscape. It was reported that upon viewing the uprising the president's initial response was to claim a win for himself, seeing it as a sign that America unmistakably loves him and his hair! Accordingly, plans to construct a one-panel White House Walk of Fame with a new bigger star commemorating trump's achievements during and before his time in the White House were quickly drawn and funded; construction has begun.



Hey Doc! A Little Help Please?

I did it. I turned down the Vicodin during the pre-op appointment. When he asked why, I replied, "I like it too much". Instead of considering the acknowledgement I'd just made that I am to some degree addicted to opiates, or perhaps even complimenting me on my self-restraint and self-awareness, he pressed the idea that I would need some pain relief over the weekend, and we compromised on a prescription for ten pills of something 'similar' to Vicodin.

During interactions with doctors, nurses and support staff in the hours before and after my surgery, I told five other people that I like Vicodin too much. Each time I expected them to make a note in my chart but no one did, although Heaven knows that anything else you tell them gets noted and is then impossible to get deleted, even if it is in error! Two of the medical professionals made comments along the line that there aren't enough pills in a normal post-op prescription to make a difference - meaning not enough to rekindle an addiction, which is of course completely wrong. Without exception, my obvious cry for help and support: "I like it too much" was ignored and pain killers pushed. I don't know how to tell you this Mr. President, but if you're going to kill opiate pushers, you'll need to start with two doctors, an anesthesiologist and three nurses here in my town.

Several years ago my doctor prescribed four Vicodin a day to deal with arthritis. Month after month I swallowed those along with others that I finagled from my dentist. When it became clear that the time had come to stop taking them it wasn't terribly difficult, but it wasn't easy either. If I had accepted the normal prescription of thirty Vicodin for this recent operation, by the fourth day after surgery I would have already been scheming to get more.

It's great that as a nation we have become more aware of opiate abuse. It is not great that the old white politicians always automatically assume that any problem is with the poor, the not-white and criminals. America did not get hooked on opiates by the poor, by any race more or less, or by those whom we normally label as criminals. America is hooked on opiates because of doctors and a medical industry et al. that are both compassionate and very concerned about you having a good (pain-free) experience so you won't hesitate to come again, while being unconcerned about whether or not you get hooked or re-hooked.

The proliferation and furtherance of widespread opiate addiction may be aided by a more typical 'criminal' element, but they are merely providing a supply for a demand created - and also proliferated - by the medical industry. If anything should ever be noted in one's medical chart, it is an admission of an addiction! Once noted, a cessation of offering that substance to the patient would then be in order. It is truly amazing that the very nice and otherwise competent people that saw me through this surgery, and the medical industry in general are getting this so very wrong.

I did it - I turned down the Vicodin. Good for me. Hey medical industry - how 'bout a little help next time?

Hey Mr. President - killing opiate dealers will wipe out the all medical professionals; got another idea?



A graduate of Portland State University, Steve (Reeno) Kloser is the author of Beginning Band - A Guide to Success and Let's Make Music - Classroom Recorder Course. He is also an accomplished teacher, conductor and composer, having penned numerous pieces including La Vida and Fly With Me.

Teacher, cook, Packers fan and proud American, Reeno's usually slanted outlook often presents an unlikely perspective on issues old and new.

Reeno currently lives in Portland, OR.


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Some Will Go To College - All Will Go Through Life complete as a .pdf
School is for Winning
as a .pdf

Space Force One?
posted Aug 10, 18

Real News. Fake President.
posted Aug 06, 18

Mortgaging our Future
Time for an Education Revolution

posted Aug 02, 18

Booze - Yay!
posted Jul 29, 18

How About Some Age Limits?
posted Jul 24, 18

Too Much Forged in Fire?
posted Jul 17, 18

Tritler and the Party of Trump
posted Jul 11, 18

The Malicious Commish
posted Jul 02, 18

Gerry Mander and the Trumpettes
posted Jun 26, 18

The Tacet Underground
posted Jun 20, 18

All Hail the Chancellor
posted Jun 15, 18

Trump and the Big Leagues
posted Jun 11, 18

Bogus Commission on School Safety
posted Jun 08, 18

To Insure Promptness in the Age of Entitlement
posted May 31, 18

LBGTQ Housing
posted May 27, 18

Timeless Trump
posted May 24, 18

Being Mean to Kids!
posted May 22, 18

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for Professors and Teachers
posted May 20, 18

School is for Winning
posted May 16, 18

The League You Need
posted May 12, 18

Just Login
posted May 09, 18

Seven Words
posted May 04, 18

Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt1
posted Apr 20, 18

Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt2
posted Apr 19, 18

Some Go To College - All Go Through Life pt3
posted Apr 18, 18

Zombie Pedestrians
posted Apr 18, 18

Leaders in School
posted Apr 04, 18

The Grass is NOT Always Greener
posted Mar 14, 18

Teachers and the Sun
posted Mar 13, 18

Can Social Media Contribute to Mental Health Issues?
posted Mar 08, 18

Hope - A Beautiful Sight
posted Feb 28, 18

All You Need is Love … and enough money
posted Feb 24, 18

Teachers and Guns
posted Feb 22, 18

NEA or NRA?
posted Feb 21, 18

I don't (k)NO(w)
posted Feb 20, 18

Dear ESPN
posted Feb 18, 18

Helmet to Helmet HIts Must Go
posted Feb 06, 18

Software Abuse
posted Jan 15, 18
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